Thursday, September 11, 2008

Walking Wounded


Today I turned myself in at the oral surgeon's office for excavations.

It was ... interesting.

The silent TV screen overhead offered a nice, restful beach scene but its benefit was lost when they covered my eyes. They enclosed my hair in an elasticized blue surgical cap, which can't have looked good, and then placed heavy fabric over my eyes for the duration of the procedure, probably so they wouldn't have to see them wide open in abject horror. I thought briefly of executions in which a black hood is lowered over the subject's head before hanging or shooting, doubtless for the same reason. It's easier on the bystanders.

When I was suitably disguised, they brought in the chain saws. One of the teeth slated for demolition had to be deliberately broken. Deliberately, as opposed to accidentally, and removed in pieces. At one point, the doctor requested forceps of his assistant, which made me think of high forceps deliveries although I have never experienced one except in movies. A lot of sharp implements were used, most of which I had never heard of before. I'm pretty sure a battering ram was employed against my jaw bone.

The doctor kept up a running commentary, although I was able to respond only in gurgles.

Afterward, my wisdom teeth were disposed of as hastily as you would remove a dead mouse from your dinner plate. I did not get to pay my last respects.

I was fitted out with two kinds of huge pills which require a mortar and pestle and applesauce, a lot of gauze and a sheet of instructions for my care and feeding, then released on my own recognizance.

Six hours later, I am still bleeding profusely, which has reinforced my loathing for vampires. Blood has a vile and nasty taste, even my own, although it is a pretty color.

Not only that, but someone is eating all the medicinal ice cream. Round up the usual suspects.

21 comments:

Nick said...

Ouch! That sounds a lot worse than what's lined up for my own mouth. My sympathies. But it seems your teeth came out a lot easier than some people's do. I hope Flip is giving you plenty of TLC, and finding you some palatable food even if the ice cream has mysteriously vanished.

Bob said...

Dr. Mengele would be proud.

carry on.

seventh sister said...

I hope you are feeling better soon and that the bleeding has stopped by now.

XOXO

thailandchani said...

Darn! Bob stole my line. :)

~*

The CEO said...

I'm sending you two things. First, a half gallon of rum raisin, hold the ice cream, hold the raisins. Second, a pint of Napolean Brandy, hold the Napolean. That chocolate is terrible for your teeth.

The CEO said...

I do hope you're feeling a lot better.

Sienna said...

Aw, hugs, just hugs.

Pam

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

You lived! Yay!

Tell Flip I said back off the ice cream. He's going to have to make the sacrifice; I'm sorry to say it.

Hope you are able to heal quickly.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I'll go kick the insidious Dr. Fu Manchu if you aren't good as new in a week.

XO
Scarlett & Viaggiatore

meno said...

Oh you poor baby! I can't believe they covered your eyes. I was completely knocked out for my extractions.

Brissiemum2 said...

Ouchies! And I bet you got a nice big bill at the end of it just to give you pain in the wallet as well!

The Fool said...

Take care and best to you, Heart...this does not sound pleasant at all. It's time for Flip to partake in a bit of pampering.

*goodness beams to you*

furiousBall said...

"oral surgeon" is actually latin for dickhead

RED MOJO said...

Wow, I had four teeth pulled when I was young (pre-braces) and I was out for it. I can't imagine being awake through all this. That sounds absolutely ghastly!

Liquor does hide the taste of blood, and cuts your need for ice cream in half!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Nick,

You base your assumption that they came out easily on what, exactly? I must have missed that part, unfortunately.

Bob,

Yessss. He vould be.

Sister,

It finally did after about 15 hours. I had to sit up all night because of pooling blood but Flip slept like a baby until noon.

Chani,

Achtung.

Monty,

I'm sending you thanks except for the gratitude.

Pam,

Much needed. Thank you!

Scarlett,

Kick away. He deserves it.

Meno,

Everyone I've told seems surprised that they covered my eyes. Now I'm feeling paranoid. Maybe it's easier to do horrible things to someone if you're not looking into their soul.

Brissie,

You are not wrong. It's quite shocking how much you can pay for someone to hurt you.

Thank you for coming by.

No Fool,

Thank you for the goodness beams!

Van,

It hurts when I laugh. But I'm sure you're right.

Mojo,

What can I tell you? I'm a tough macho chick.

On a limb with Claudia said...

((hug)) I hope you're Ok. This kind of thing is so painful....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Claudia,

You ain't lyin'. Thanks for the hug and stay on my left side, ok? :) That's the one that doesn't resemble a chipmunk with mumps.

meggie said...

OMG I nearly died of horror when I read this. I have been there, & done all that... when I was merely 22, & again at 60! Holy Crap, it never gets better.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Meggie,

There is no way in hell they would have gotten me to do this a SECOND time. I cannot imagine it.

So I take it you have finally run out of wisdom teeth?

Parlancheq said...

Yikes! I was in pain just reading about it.

katrice said...

Oh my God in Heaven. I am so freakin' afraid. I know my wisdom teeth will eventually have to come out. I think I will pay extra to be knocked out.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Parlancheq,

It was way down on my list of things I like to do.

Katrice,

That's probably the way to go. You should do whatever makes it easier for you. I have many drug allergies so it wasn't a real consideration even besides the cost.