Saturday, July 19, 2008

Death is your body's way of telling you to slow down


My cold hit with hurricane force: Sore throat, fever, sneezing, coughing, runny nose, runny eyes and a general malaise. If I were in a Victorian novel, I would be suffering from ague. I am not a well girl today.

I have commissioned Flip to drive me to the store for Kleenex and chewable vitamin C.

The roads are littered with hapless tourists who take seriously the fable that in California, pedestrians have the right of way. Stupid people. That is a myth, a cautionary tale, a caveat. A warning. Damn uppity tourists. In their deluded minds, they think it is all right to stroll slowwwwwwly across streets, jaywalking with impunity.

I think they shouldn't push their luck today. Luckily, I am not driving. Flip misses all of them.

I feel unproductive. I am bored. I whine.

Flip offers to sing me a lullaby.

"As long as it's not a funeral dirge," I tell him.

"Bubbaly, bubbaly," he chants.

"What in the hell is that?"

"It's 'lullaby' backwards."

"Oh, Jesus."

He sings it again.

I'm a tough crowd. "I want my money back."

I fix myself a cup of tea, which I can't taste. This would be a good time to load up on everything I don't like that is good for me.

A lot of trees have died for this cold. I have my personal 280-count box of Kleenex on my lap which tells me in French and English that it softens the blows.

"Donnez lui de la douceur!"

I have always wanted to know how to say "dab, wipe, blot and rub" en Francais. I spend a few minutes reading the English blurb along with its French translation. I feel so much smarter now.

I do not understand people who enjoy poor health. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in another universe.

Flip sits beside me and places a sympathetic arm on top of my comforter. "I can't believe you're trying to feel up a deathbed person," I hiss.

There should probably be a "caveat emptor" sign on me. Let the buyer beware.

82 comments:

citizen of the world said...

Hate summer colds. I was fighting one off the last few days I was in Canada, and it hit me last Sunday. I was pretty sure I would die before Monday ended, and hd to excusemyself with a couple of patients to go cough up a lung. Gah. But I'm better - hope yours ends soon, too.

thailandchani said...

The cold sounds terrible.. but this post is really funny! :)

RED MOJO said...

Maybe the people who enjoy being sick are those who've always wanted to learn to speak french!

Bubbaly is lullaby with the l's and the b's switched, Yballul is lullaby backwards.

I am very sorry to hear of your premature death. I hope you get over it soon.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Citizen,

You set a great example.

I'm sure that I'll either be better tomorrow or dead, one or the other.

Chani,

Not to ME.

Mojo,

Thank you for clarifying what "lullaby" is backwards. Take your complaints to Flip.

As Twain said,"Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." I hope to be as lucky.

comfortandjoy said...

Heart,

I think you won't die of a summer cold.

I think your death will be glorious and fashionable.

I have a scene in my mind. But it may be morbid to describe it. And since I would rather you live to blog another day, I will not reveal what I have foreseen.

So let's just say your final blaze of glory involves a San Francisco Street, a silly pedestrian, and fabulous shoes.

Your Friend,
CJ (My Super Secret Indian Name Is "The One Raised By Ravens")

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Cj,

Could you be more explicit, please? Are the fabulous shoes on me or the pedestrian?

comfortandjoy said...

Heart,
The fabulous shoes are on you, of course. They are always on you.

How could it be otherwise??

Yours,
CJ

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Cj,

Now you're talking.

I hope this doesn't destroy my carefully wrought mystique, but I wouldn't really die for great shoes.

Don't tell anyone, ok?

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Say, hearts, I have just the thing to cheer you up while you are on your sickbed. Go to www.newgrouns.com/games and look for a game called "Pandemic II". It allows you to chose your bug (virus, bacteria, parasite) and allows you to chose its symptoms. The object of the game is to infect as many people around the world and kill as many of them with your designer disease before some smart alec scientist invents a cure. Your disease could start with just sniffles. That'll show Flip.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Calvin,

Oh, my, that is very cheerful indeed. I am not sure that I can withstand so much good cheer, but on the other hand, I have this neighbor who is a perfect candidate for the nasty disease of my choice.

Thank you, dear man. (My friend here has what I think is a marvelous idea.)

rhubarbwhine said...

Oh no.
Sending you get well vibes from downunder.

Sienna said...

Aaww mate, we had this rotten virus here the last fortnight, I may even have been the one who passed it on...

Hot lemon and honey, chicken/garlic/onion soup and keep up the water...some eucalyptus in the steamer, lotsa vicks vaporub, and butter menthols.

Take care.

Pam

comfortandjoy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
comfortandjoy said...

Heart,

Your mystique is incapable of destruction.

You are on a pedestal so high only someone in 4 inch heels could reach it. ;)

CJ

Molly said...

Poor baby! At least you can be happy we have Kleenex now. I used to think it must be the ultimate test of love when I'd see my mother washing my dad's cloth hadkerchiefs! Test Flip---ask him if he loves you that much!!

Molly said...

Oh yes---and I can't even spell....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Rhubarb,

Could you maybe send along a little koala bear, too, for company?

Pam,

It's a good prescription but I don't feel like eating anything.

Cj,

Well, it's kind of windy up here. Could you pass me a blanket, please?

Molly,

My mother, too! She boiled my father's cloth handkerchiefs in a large pot which was also used for cooking food while I watched from the level of her knees, deeply concerned about boogies. She assured me that boiling killed all germs, but I was skeptical.

Maria said...

Summer colds are shitty. It feels like a cruel joke. At least in the winter, you feel sort of like you aren't completely alone in your misery. I mean, the television is teeming with ads about colds....and there are always about ten people in every workplace who are sick in the winter. But, in the summer, you just feel sucker punched.

Feel better soon....

DianeCA said...

Love the post. I hope you are feeling better. Glad you got a really big box of kleenex...should hold you over for a couple of days!

Pam said...

"I hissed" That's the bit I loved,"I hissed"...many a male has been on the receiving end of a hiss I do believe!

meno said...

At least your sense of humor is still present.

Puffs Plus, i swear by them.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Maria,

Sucker punched is exactly right. It just isn't supposed to happen in the summer.

Of course, we don't really have a summer in San Francisco, so if we go by the weather and not the calendar, this is a fall/winter cold.

And it's still shitty.

Diane,

I'm in deep already.

Pam,

I'm sure there's a reason for this.

Meno,

I'm losing that fast. Superslut next door has been noisily entertaining a new gentleman caller for the last three nights. Since I am not a crack addict, as it happens, I actually need sleep occasionally. I know, it's a novel concept.

I want an AK47 and I want it now. Or I'll cry .

Jo said...

Hearts, can I share my Buckleys with you? It tastes awful and it works (but it's only in Canada... pity). There is nothing worse than a summer cold, except maybe a winter cold. You have my sympathy.

I have a new blog *sigh*. You can link to me through this post comment. I hope to see you.

And I hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry to hear about your cat, as well. That probably doesn't help much.

I think having a cold would be a good defense for murdering the superslut next door!

Jo said...

Oh, in case you're wondering who the heck I am, it's me - Josie. *heh*

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Hi Josie,

I knew it was you, Silly.

Of course I'll check out your new blog and change the link. What happened, family disapproval?

If only a bad cold had the same clout in court as temporary insanity, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Mariposa said...

Hope you are feeling way better now and had totally kicked that cold in the butt away!

On a Limb with Claudia said...

UH! I can't believe you are sick and I'm out of honey. I shake my fist at those bees. They better get busy so you can get well!

((hug)) I hope you are well soon.

Ian Lidster said...

Poor Baby, may you be better soon. If Flip wasn't there, I'd gladly mop your fevered brow. It would be the least I could do.

Yet, even in your pain, as Chani suggests, you rise to the whimsical bar with elan and grace.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Poor girl, I hope you feel better soon.

I think that you should have stayed home in bed while Flip went to the store on his own, though.

Put in a good movie, Bogey and Bacall or something like that, and relax.
It will be gone soon.

Best,
Scarlett & Viaggiatore

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mariposa,

Not yet. But soon. Thanks!

Claudia,

I'm sure your lovely hard-working bees need a rest, too. They make the best honey in the world.

Ian,

Oh, good. A substitute mopper. Things are looking up.

Scarlet,

I wanted to pick out my own chewable vitamin C's because I couldn't remember the brand name.

Bogey and Bacall are actually worth being sick for. Or Bogey and Bergman - I know every line of Casablanca. That is definitely the way to enjoy poor health.

jameil1922 said...

you're not dying!! but the title of this post = hilarity!! Flip misses all of the tourists?? oh flip... AIM honey! you get points in germany!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jameil,

He is such a stick in the mud. I know he could get them if he was half trying. I'm afraid you're going to have to talk to that boy.

Jonah K. Haslap said...

I refuse to comment on your blog. You might be contagious. Don't be sending those germs over my ethernet connection, honey!

PS, yes, you know what my commenting means. No, I don't feel guilty. My mother is coming to visit tomorrow. My plate is full.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jonah,

Take notes. Lots and lots of notes. Not a precious drop of that motherlode should be wasted. And then, if you really have nothing nice to say, come sit here, right next to me.

Nick said...

"I do not understand people who enjoy poor health. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in another universe." My feelings entirely, I just want it all to be over as rapidly as possible so I can feel normal again. Or alternatively as you say just drop through a cosmic hole.

WNG said...

I get a summer cold every year...I'm just waiting because I know it's lurking out there waiting for me.

And each year when I get it I turn into a whiny 3 year old. Blech.

Sorry Hearts! You know what's good for colds though, right? You guessed it- VODKA!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Nick,

I know people who can build whole careers out of a single cold.

Restrictions on my mobility are always unwelcome.

Wng,

I'll get right on it.

And think positive about your summer cold. Maybe it came here instead.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Bogey and Bergman are completely enjoyable, regardless of health.

Here's lookin at you, kid.

;o)

I love that film. The only one that I love better is 'To Kill a Mockingbird...' Gregory Peck.
Sigh... and what an incredible film.


Feeling better yet? I hope?

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Franki said...

be green. use your sleeve.

it's not nice to flip me off.

feel better.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Scarlett,

I love that movie too, and Gregory Peck. I just got a copy of "Mockingbird, a Portrait of Harper Lee" by Charles Shields.

I'm beginning to feel better, thanks.

Franki,

Use my sleeve... are you taking Sheryl Crow lessons or something? Please don't. I liked you much better when you were Franki.

the walking man said...

HiS...been trying to muster sympathy for three days now...when I do get some I will be sure to drop it off, but in the meantime, milk this for all it's worth. If you do, damage to superslut remember the "I was sick and out of my mind defense."

The CEO said...

I have the Eastern version of your summer cold. It feels like it has lasted a year or so. Quite miserable. I hope you feel better soon.

Eastcoastdweller said...

Awww...get better soon...You are too sweet to be sick.

witnessing am i said...

Hope you are doing better, good Heart, much better.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mark,

I am plotting my temporary insanity now.

Monty,

So sorry to know you're a fellow sufferer. I hope you feel better soon, too.

Eastcoaster,

You've made my day. I still feel like hell, but you've made it anyway.

David,

Thank you! It's going in the right direction, I think.

meggie said...

Oh I hope you are now feeling better! My granddaughter aged 19 has just got chickenpox. Thank goodness I had them when I was a kid!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Meggie,

How awful for your granddaughter! I hope she gets over it quickly.

I still remember having it as a child and being utterly miserable.

Jonah K. Haslap said...

You haven't posted all week. Are you ok?

And yes, this means that I have another story up. :) I always look forward to your intelligent, thoughtful comments.

You respond to flattery, right?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jonah,

Do I ever. Yeah, boy. Bring it on.

Getting desperate, huh?

Jocelyn said...

Flip couldn't be more perfect for you.

Even when I'm a teensy bit skeert of you, he is charming.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jocelyn,

I can smell your fear, like a dog.

And Flip reminds me how charming he is several times a day, also handsome. I have a snowball's chance in hell to forget it.

I am not Star Jones said...

Flip is a kind patient nurse which is exactly what you need.

Feel better.

Craze said...

Blech, being sick sucks. Hope you're feeling better.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Star,

He is kind, and I'm feeling better, thanks.

Craze,

The cold is gone. Now I have poison ivy. I think I'd rather have the cold back.

Jay said...

Whoa baby, I hope you're recovering by now!

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Hello lady,

Your Cardinal Rules are posted...
Thanks for doing that!


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jay,

I am, thanks!

Scarlett,

Cool. I'll come over there and read the others.

Los Angelista said...

You've traded a cold for poison ivy? Ack! Did you catch the poison ivy while trying to replant the trees you obliterated through copious Kleenex use?

Feel better soon!

Molly said...

Two weeks since your last post?? Hope all is well.....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Liz,

I have idiopathic contact dermatitis. In other words, I must be an idiot to have gotten it.

It's karma. Use too many Kleenex and the plant world gets you.

Molly,

I can see how you would ask that, considering the title of this post.

I'm fine, thanks, just uninspired.

James B. said...

You and my puppy. What's up with the harsh colds? I just had to run to the vet for him this morning, 'cause his cold wouldn't go away. The took X-rays. Turns out he has pneumonia. No worries though. He's on good pills. And should be better in a couple weeks. I hope the same for you...just sooner, of course ;>)

Michael C said...

Some people enjoy poor health? I'm a wreck so let them have mine!!!

DJ Mikey said...

Hey Heart,

I agree with you there is nothing worse than poor health, I am unbearable to be around when I'm sick. However minor the ailment might be.

You know how they say doctor make the worst patients. It's not true med students make the worst patients. Because unlike doctors who know everything, med students think they know everything.

I am speaking from experience here, have just completed my 1st year of med school.

Feel better soon!

WNG said...

hi hearts...where are you? is death your body's way of telling you not to blog?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

James,

So sorry about your puppy. I've had pneumonia and it's pretty scary.

Yes, here's to good health for all of us, and your little dog, too.

Michael,

If only it were possible. Those who trade in such things could make a killing, so to speak, with your health issues.

I hope you're doing well now!

Mikey,

I'm familiar with the syndrome in which one suddenly has every symptom in the books, but it's not limited to med students. There are many hypochondriacs among us, too, some of whom even have real diseases.

Thank you for your visit.

Wng,

Death is a real downer, y'know? If I pull through, I'll let you know.

witnessing am i said...

Where are you Ms Heart?

The blogworld desparately needs your wit, your intelligence, your great observations, your fine word selection.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

David,

Oh, thank you, Sir.

I'm not sick anymore -- I'm just slacking off unconscionably.

Angela said...

So I feel badly telling you this because of how you are/were feeling, but this is a damn fine/funny post. Sure hope you're feeling up to par soon! xoxoxoxo

rhubarbwhine said...

Hey - where are you? I MISS YOU!

Franki said...

This must be one hell of a cold! Hope you're doing well.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Ok lady... I've been as patient as I can be.

You have been gone too long, please come back.

Missing you!


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Angela,

I am, thank you. Back soon.

Rhubarb,

I miss me, too. And you.

Franki,

I got intimidated by Bonky, who writes so well.

Scarlett,

Actually I was waiting for the blue moon to come around.

Bob said...

I see you're still MIA too! don't go away forever. miss ya' loads.

WNG said...

Heeeaaarts! Where aaaare you?!?!

What's that Lassie? Hearts fell in the well? Oh no!

Seriously - we miss you! Come back soon ;)

Cece said...

You sound like my last miserable, please just let me die, cold in June. I went through 2 boxes of kleenex, TONS of water, cold pills, throat drops and then realized it was a sinus infection so I had to put out more $$ for that!

Hope you feel better soon.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Bob,

I'm so glad you're back! And I hope to be soon, too.

Wng,

Drop me a rope, would you? The well is deep and slippery, but I'm trying.

Cece,

Yours sounds much worse than mine. I just complain a lot when I get sick.

Thanks for checking on me.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Don't make me start singing it...

cuz I will.



Blue Moooooooooon... we're all here standing alone, without a post from our Heart, without a Heart of our own...

*sniff*
do you have a tissue?

;o)

The Fool said...

You keep a pretty good 'tude for a sick lady. Nice capture in words. Hang in there...as this too will pass. Best to you.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

It has been quite a while since you posted this. I prayer you did not succumb to the cold.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Scarlett,

You have a really nice voice. I knew you would.

No Fool,

Thank you for coming back, and for your encouraging words.

St. Nick,

I did not. And here I am again, big as life and twice as nasty.

Dr Zibbs said...

The best blog post title I've seen in months.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Dr. Zibbs,

Thanks for coming by!