tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post753721677272917353..comments2023-09-26T04:56:13.105-07:00Comments on Guilty With An Explanation: How Not To Murder Your Wifeheartinsanfranciscohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comBlogger64125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-92120928352224270282007-05-17T23:31:00.000-07:002007-05-17T23:31:00.000-07:00Anonymous,Mai sounds like a beautiful person. Ever...Anonymous,<BR/><BR/>Mai sounds like a beautiful person. Everyone who knew her has really nice things to say about her.<BR/><BR/>I'm so sorry for your loss.<BR/><BR/>Thank you for writing. I'm glad you shared that.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-85076268630835275402007-05-17T22:07:00.000-07:002007-05-17T22:07:00.000-07:00Mai was my hairdresser for nine years, and I still...Mai was my hairdresser for nine years, and I still can't believe that this happened. I think about her every day, despite only having spent a total of 8 hours a year with her. I can't begin to comprehend how those who knew her better are coping with her death. No matter how good of a mood I was in, she always managed to make my day just a little brighter.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-12737756671516935852007-05-08T20:04:00.000-07:002007-05-08T20:04:00.000-07:00Katrice,Crying right along with you. I think we al...Katrice,<BR/><BR/>Crying right along with you. I think we all are.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-55288681104473144312007-05-08T19:57:00.000-07:002007-05-08T19:57:00.000-07:00I cannot speak.Just tears.I cannot speak.<BR/><BR/>Just tears.katricehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08336539038616743309noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-72327318274658020962007-05-08T18:38:00.000-07:002007-05-08T18:38:00.000-07:00Lex,I'm sure there is an Abuser's Manual somewhere...Lex,<BR/><BR/>I'm sure there is an Abuser's Manual somewhere. They systematically destroy her self-esteem, which is not strong to begin with as their radar is never wrong when they choose their victims, then they separate her from her support system like a predator cutting the weakest animal from the herd, and then as you said, the physical abuse begins. <BR/><BR/>After each episode, there is some form of flowers and candy and tearful promises to be better, along with inferences that she made him do it in the first place.<BR/><BR/>The whole dance is utterly sickening. I truly do not have the stomach to do that work again. <BR/><BR/>The work you do now is very difficult, too. It must be very hard not to let it seep into your own relationships.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-80273615238855207992007-05-08T18:28:00.000-07:002007-05-08T18:28:00.000-07:00And that, my dear, is why I left the field. It's ...And that, my dear, is why I left the field. It's crazy to say, but sexual assault is so much easier than dv in so many ways.<BR/><BR/>There are so many people who just don't understand the cycle: first they destroy everything within a woman that would give her the courage to leave, then the first hit. It's like they read a manual.Lexhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10916250495361008108noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-45839630601518874412007-05-08T12:36:00.000-07:002007-05-08T12:36:00.000-07:00Thomas,It's more than enough that you read what I ...Thomas,<BR/><BR/>It's more than enough that you read what I write.<BR/><BR/>Thank you.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-4516861978370536172007-05-08T11:52:00.000-07:002007-05-08T11:52:00.000-07:00It is posts that like this, HinSF, that leave me s...It is posts that like this, HinSF, that leave me speechless. Thinking a million thoughts. Speechless and breathless.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-75305903874492980012007-05-07T21:42:00.000-07:002007-05-07T21:42:00.000-07:00Cs,Yes, it is. It has taken several years for me ...Cs,<BR/><BR/>Yes, it is. It has taken several years for me even to write a post about it. There is so much to say, but so very difficult to say it.<BR/><BR/>I feel terrible for the children, too. They have the greatest chances, statistically and logically, to repeat the behaviors they witnessed, even though their childhoods were destroyed by them.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-85404159962990164282007-05-07T19:34:00.000-07:002007-05-07T19:34:00.000-07:00I have worked with women just like this, and it is...I have worked with women just like this, and it is their chidlren I grieve for most. It's a difficult thing to hold those stories, I know.CShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12136201152682543365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-40332285647992727292007-05-07T18:55:00.000-07:002007-05-07T18:55:00.000-07:00Urchin,There is still so much more that needs to b...Urchin,<BR/><BR/>There is still so much more that needs to be done. And a good place to begin is with some of the Directors of DV programs.<BR/><BR/>The one I worked for, (who fired me for caring too much, which she considered "unprofessional,") spent a fortune in funding money renovating her office building across the street from the shelter.<BR/><BR/>The shelter, however, was falling apart and had bare wires hanging from electrical fixtures. The batterers had their court-ordered "intervention counseling" in the beautiful, upgraded building while the women we were supposed to be helping (and my office) were in slum conditions.<BR/><BR/>A year after I left, the shelter burned to the ground. Luckily, no one was hurt, but it could have been avoided if they had brought the building up to code. <BR/><BR/>Sadly, they weren't really interested in helping our clients, who served as a means to get huge donations. So in a sense, the administrators were also abusing these women, which was really sick.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-92109233392890798312007-05-07T18:38:00.000-07:002007-05-07T18:38:00.000-07:00oh susan. i just don't know what to say. bless y...oh susan. i just don't know what to say. bless you and all those who do this work.urban-urchinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18001320142893492171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-55616946684386705932007-05-07T16:40:00.000-07:002007-05-07T16:40:00.000-07:00Claudia,Yep. It's a big wide wonderfully stupid a...Claudia,<BR/><BR/>Yep. It's a big wide wonderfully stupid and crazy world.<BR/><BR/>It really makes you wonder, even when you pretty much know, what went so terribly wrong.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-10422180145409635532007-05-07T16:30:00.000-07:002007-05-07T16:30:00.000-07:00It is a big wide world, isn't it. For the thousan...It is a big wide world, isn't it. For the thousands of clients I worked with, the dv cases drove me completely batty. I still have one ex-client who says that she longs to be with the ex who battered so badly she barely, and I mean barely, survived.<BR/><BR/>I don't know.<BR/><BR/>It's a big wide world, isn't it.Open Grove Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08130539510552780606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-40323702618568450172007-05-06T20:51:00.000-07:002007-05-06T20:51:00.000-07:00Thinker,Her name was Sheila. She was a quiet, ear...Thinker,<BR/><BR/>Her name was Sheila. She was a quiet, earnest woman, and she left a horrendous legacy for her daughters.<BR/><BR/>And the beat goes on...heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-69761743438646308472007-05-06T20:10:00.000-07:002007-05-06T20:10:00.000-07:00It's really shocking that the woman you mentioned ...It's really shocking that the woman you mentioned would bail her husband out of jail after torture like that. It just shows that domestic abuse is more than just the physical pain. I don't think I'll ever really understand why she would forgive him, but more importantly, why any person would put another human being through that much pain for any reason.thethinkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02246687154473607332noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-23185425379061777852007-05-06T18:56:00.000-07:002007-05-06T18:56:00.000-07:00Liz,I agree. Live by the sword... I'm sorry I mad...Liz,<BR/><BR/>I agree. Live by the sword... <BR/><BR/>I'm sorry I made you cry, though. Can't you go out and have somebody wreck their car or at least send you flowers? You know, just to cheer things up a little.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-18995301751385375702007-05-06T18:09:00.000-07:002007-05-06T18:09:00.000-07:00This is the 4th time I've read this post and it st...This is the 4th time I've read this post and it still brings tears to my eyes. Stories like these make me wish medieval torture could be used on the perpetrators of such violence against women.Liz Dwyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17794296990587989214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-17825362290128076062007-05-06T13:44:00.000-07:002007-05-06T13:44:00.000-07:00Ian,That comment was an eye-opener for me as well....Ian,<BR/><BR/>That comment was an eye-opener for me as well. I realized that I had to do even more groundwork in my counseling than I had thought. Instead of starting from ground zero, I had to rethink everything and begin in the minus numbers, if that makes sense.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-21355632527055235872007-05-06T13:36:00.000-07:002007-05-06T13:36:00.000-07:00What a harrowing tale. I admire you immensely for ...What a harrowing tale. I admire you immensely for the work you did. The quote from the young woman at the end of your story says it all.<BR/><BR/>IanIan Lidsterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14106994463366766471noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-12475152046368698752007-05-06T11:42:00.000-07:002007-05-06T11:42:00.000-07:00Maria,I'm so sorry that you had to suffer this as...Maria,<BR/><BR/>I'm so sorry that you had to suffer this as a child. I've always imagined that most families want to be there for each other, but that wasn't my experience either.<BR/><BR/>You've been through so much in your life, but I'm sure it has helped to make you as compassionate as you are.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-36638849577030891412007-05-06T11:00:00.000-07:002007-05-06T11:00:00.000-07:00Wow! Your an amazing person. When I was younger I...Wow! Your an amazing person. When I was younger I always wished I could run away to a safe house like that. Instead we ran to family where I felt ashamed and embarassed. Those women you spoke of lived such brave lives, my heart breaks for them. Thank you for being there for them and the millions of spouses and children being abused today. <BR/><BR/>All the best,<BR/>MMariahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04170401447671532001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-45447433885540315992007-05-06T10:23:00.000-07:002007-05-06T10:23:00.000-07:00Jay,You're so right. There are good outcomes, too...Jay,<BR/><BR/>You're so right. There are good outcomes, too. <BR/><BR/>I found apartments for those who really wanted to leave, and got local merchants to donate furniture, clothing and other household items. I also hooked them up to Social Services as many were eligible for AFDC. <BR/><BR/>I also instituted a GED program in the shelter as some of the women did not have high school diplomas and couldn't get jobs that would support them.<BR/><BR/>Lee,<BR/><BR/>It does sound as if their father has gotten himself (and them) into an abusive situation. As I mentioned in an earlier comment, most male victims don't report their abuse because of shame. <BR/><BR/>Another thing that needs to change is our society's perception of men as strong and invincible. Even those who are not macho guys seem to think that they must always solve everyone's problems (except my first husband, of course, who said that he would see his children starve before he'd give me a penny because I left him.)<BR/><BR/>Crankster,<BR/><BR/>I know. It's one of the many things we like about you.<BR/> <BR/>It's impossible to grasp if you're not wired that way. I struggle with the concept, too, even after all I witnessed.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-88785450618890141592007-05-06T08:40:00.000-07:002007-05-06T08:40:00.000-07:00Jesus.Never mind doing this to someone you love. ...Jesus.<BR/><BR/>Never mind doing this to someone you love. How could someone do this to someone else at all? My mind doesn't have the capacity to understand this kind of cruelty.Cranksterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02963261408896541210noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29674249.post-83683565494220372442007-05-06T07:32:00.000-07:002007-05-06T07:32:00.000-07:00Unfortunately, I think my boys may be learning tha...Unfortunately, I think my boys may be learning that it goes both ways. Men become trapped too.Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14915252268400469774noreply@blogger.com